Stalin’s ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the first part."
-Russian of course. Why else would they think they’re in Paradise when they were homeless, naked, and just had one apple for both of them?
Is it true that under communism people could order food by phone?
-Yes, but the delivery was by TV.
Alexander the Great, Caesar and Napoleon observed the army parade in Red Square, as honorable visitors.
‘If I had Soviet tanks,’ Alexander said, ‘I would have been invincible!’
‘If I had Soviet planes,’ Caesar speaks, ‘I could have conquered the whole world!’
‘And if I had had the newspaper "The Truth",’ Napoleon said, ‘the world, even now, would not have found out about Waterloo!’
What is economic reform?
An injection into an artificial limb.
Why did the Supreme Soviet decided to invade Afghanistan?
They decided to begin alphabetically.
‘What value does the Soviet Union have for you?’ a Pole was asked.
‘It’s a buffer state between Poland and China.’
Brezhnev called together a group of cosmonauts. ‘Comrades! The Americans have landed on the Moon. We here have consulted and have decided that you will go to the Sun!’
‘But we will burn up, Leonid Iljich!’
‘Be not afraid, comrades, the Party has thought of everything. You
will leave at night.’
Is it possible to live on your salary?
Don’t know, didn’t try.
Brezhnev and Nixon took a trip by helicopter to inspect workers in the suburbs of Moscow. Nixon noticed workers’ barracks with television aerials and exclaimed, ‘You have surpassed us! We still don’t have TVs in our pigsties!’
‘It will be even worse!’ cries the pessimist.
‘It can’t get any worse,’ the optimist answers.
When did the first Soviet elections take place?
When God put Eve before Adam and said: ‘Choose yourself a wife!’
When Nixon visited the USSR, Brezhnev showed him a Soviet phone of the latest technology in which it was possible to call Hell. Nixon called the Devil. The conversation cost only 27 Kopecks.
Upon returning to America, Nixon told everyone about the Soviet marvel. But as it turned out such a phone had been invented in America a long time ago. Nixon again called Hell, but this time the conversation cost 12 thousand dollars!
Nixon, understandedly upset, cried, ‘But in the USSR a phone call to Hell costs only 27 kopecks!’
‘Yes sir, but there it was a local call.’
The seven miracles of the Soviet Authority:
1. There is no unemployment, yet nobody works.
2. Nobody works, yet the Grand Scheme is carried out.
3. The Grand Scheme is carried out, yet there is nothing to buy.
4. There is nothing to buy, yet there are lineups everywhere.
5. There are lineups everywhere, yet everyone has everything.
6. Everyone has everything yet everyone is dissatisfied.
7. Everyone is dissatisfied, yet everyone votes ‘Yes’.
‘Who’s your father?’ the teacher asked Vovo.
‘And who’s your mother?’
‘The Soviet native land!’
‘And what do you want to become?’
In a prison:
‘How many years did you get?
‘You’re lying! For nothing they give ten.’
Brezhnev and Nixon are standing near Niagara Falls with their bodyguards when they decide to test them. They both order them to jump into the falls. The American bodyguard refuses, saying, ‘I have a family and children!’
The Russian rushes towards the Falls without thinking, but at the last moment he’s stopped.
‘How did you decide to do such a thing without even thinking?’ asks Nixon.
‘I have a family and children!’
One East German policeman asks another:
‘What do you think of our regime?’
‘The same as you.’
‘Then it’s my duty to arrest you!’
It’s the first day after the end of Soviet Authority. A person approaches the newstand, ‘Could I have the "The Truth" please.’
‘There are no Soviet newspapers,’ the seller answered.
‘The Soviet Authority has been terminated.’
The person left and came back again.
‘Could I have the "The Truth" please.’
‘I just told you, there are no Soviet newspapers!’
‘The Soviet Authority was terminated – how many times must I repeat it?
‘Ah, repeat, repeat…’